As I sit here in my here in my hospital bed I am trying so hard to not feel that sense of hopelessness that invades at the back of your head. That voice that says “your always going to be sick, just give up”. Well – I refuse to give up, but some days are a lot harder than others. Today is one of those days. I have been in the hospital for 8 days now and they still haven’t said when they are going to discharge me. I have been seen by a neurologist, infectious disease doctor, pulmonologist and am still waiting on a rheumatologist. I cannot tell you how much this situation sucks. All I want to do is be out of this hospital and home with my family.
Right this minute my IV antibiotics are leaking out and I have called the nurse twice to let her know that my IV is leaking all over me. No one seems to care. I am low maintenance, I really am, but come on people – basic care is needed! How is it that I am the only person who finds an issue with the fact that my antibiotics are leaking out of my arm? I have had the same IV in since I came to the hospital. IV’s should be changed every 3 days – I am going on 5 days at this point. It hurts and it bleeds and it’s leaking the precious antibiotics everywhere. I even pushed the call button for the nurse before I started writing this and she still hasn’t appeared. It is so frustrating and infuriating.to be helpless like this and dependent on others, who are frankly failing big time.
I finally got a nurses aid to come in and I told her my IV is leaking and bleeding and her response was “I’ll tell your nurse”. I have heard those exact words before – about 20 minutes ago when I first called for the nurse to tell them my IV is leaking. It isn’t just leaking, it hurts – a LOT. Finally the nurse appeared and said “well that failed at the right time, your antibiotics are done”. Leave it to me to have a fortuitous IV failure.
Being in the hospital all alone day after day is the most depressing thing I can think of. You sit there endlessly with no motivation or anything to do except be in pain. I’m currently in here for pneumonia and the flu – a double whammy. And on top of that, my Psoriatic Arthritis has flared up so badly that I am swollen like a sausage. My hands and feet are three times the size that they should be. I’ve never had a flare up this bad before, but it does make sense that the swelling would come into play because I have been off all my medications for PsA for about a month. You see, I cannot take my PsA meds if I am sick, as they lower and damage my immune system. Therefore, when I am so sick I feel like I’m gonna die, I then get the added bonus of a PsA flare.
The hospital is such a trying place. There are so many people, plus there are so many sounds – the beeping of a million machines. Not to mention the atmosphere – the pain and suffering coming from every room and every look from a person. In the hospital there is no happy, cheery people, just sad and tired patients who want to go home. I am definitely one of those people.
Tonight is my daughter’s concert – she plays the violin. And I’m not going to be there! I have never missed an event of hers – come hell or high water I am always there. Unfortunately this time I am going to miss it, and it is killing me. The fact that I am missing one of her performances hurts more than all the pain I am in now combined. She is my reason, my everything, and I feel like I am letting her down. Logically I know that there is no way I can be there, and she knows that too. My husband promised to record the show so that I can see it.
I saw the show – she was amazing! I am so proud of her. I wish so much that I was there in person to tell her that.
I have a feeling that I am getting out of here soon – I just need one more test and a good result on it and I can hopefully blow this popsicle stand. I know I just need to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. I will be out of here before I know it and my family will be waiting for me. That thought is what gets me through the day – the knowledge that I am missed by my family and that they want me to come home. Well, I am coming home as soon as I can!