More Manic By The Minute
So, I’m sitting here at 9:45 pm with my mind racing and my fingers failing to type as fast as the thoughts that are spilling from my head. You see, I have bipolar disorder and right now I am in the grip of it’s mania. My thoughts are racing, I cannot sit still and I feel like I must be continuously doing something or I will go insane. So, as you can see, writing about the mania is the lesser of the two evils at this point.
My mania doesn’t normally manifest in this way with me. In case you didn’t realize, there are many different ways for mania to show up in a bipolar person’s life, and it isn’t always the “move it, move it, have to go go go” kind. Especially not for me. My mania usually manifests itself as anger. I lash out over nothing, I get so worked up I am convinced that some minor thing is the end of the world and I rage and cry and sob and yell about it until it passes – which is usually pretty fast for me. I am more on the depressive side of bipolar disorder usually, which is why this mania is throwing me through such a loop!
I feel as if my whole body is electric and at the slightest touch I will start sparking and engulf the people and place around me into flames. This is the last thing I want to do. I want to hide away this manic behavior, because I am so embarrassed by it! I don’t know how to handle the mania.
The last time my mania manifested like this I cleaned up three years worth of old bills and tax information – working for 5 hours straight without so much as a breather for 5 minutes. I am doing everything in my power not to go that way now.
I have played video games with my daughter, I have created, organized and filled in a budget for the entire last two months, plus an open bills sheet. I have imaginarily shopped online for all the things I impulsively want to buy, but don’t and just imagine I am. I have colored. I have organized all my pills into their proper cases for the upcoming week. I have read about 30 different news stories from the NY Times, I have paced around the room and I have impulsively tried to organize everything in my living room. There is nothing else left to do, so I am sitting here writing this letter to myself in the height of my mania so that I can begin to see and hear what this new manifestation of mania is like when I write. I love to write, and yet, I haven’t written a new piece in over 6 months – and I didnt even realize it until now!
Looks like my depressive side was winning over the manic side for a significantly longer time than I realized. I knew that my depression was pretty severe, but i had not imagined it had been that long since I was able to open my heart and write. I guess maybe something good is coming from this trip down energy lane – I am writing again! Yes, it looks like I made something good come from something so untamable and disruptive. Well… I’m off to organize all the tupperware in my kitchen at 10:30 at night.